bothme | Save me from myself

Entry tags:

asylum,
gamtav

Save me from myself

It had gotten too hard to lie to himself anymore; he was a motherfucking wreck. After his therapist transferred out of the state work and into a private practice, he couldn't afford to pay the guy what he was charging, and the idea of starting up a new dialogue with some unknown motherfucker didn't sound appealing to Gamzee at all. He'd done that before, and it was shaky ground for nearly a year with this guy before he started feeling really at peace with letting himself be all of himself around the guy.

But with no therapist, there was no way to get his medication. At least one of the meds was something that had refills for a year - the inhibitors that kept the whispers out and kept the dark motherfucker somewhat controllable in his pan would last long enough, but the rest of it, the shit that knocked him out, the shit that kept his forepan balanced in the meanwhile? That had run out two weeks ago. It was a pretty hard spiral downward after the first week, and this week hadn't even had the courtesy of a spiral. It was straight motherfucking down, in a nosedive of anger and guilt and ungodly memories that bubbled through and trickled into his sponge, reminding him that there was a reason he was alone, and that there was a reason for those motherfucking scars down his face.

Gamzee hadn't called in three days, and only had the presence of mind to talk to his boss the night before locking up to tell him what had been going down five days prior, and asked for a week or two off so he didn't wind up hurting anybody. His boss marked him down for vacation and asked the highblood to find something fast for the sake of his own health.

He hadn't. The idea of doing it all over again, breaking another person under the weight of his fucking problems was too much for him. He should have just been committed again after all. Fucking motherfuck, he wasn't safe.

So that was why he was still in his place, shivering under the cover of a heavy blanket, grinding his teeth and muttering to himself in an argument. Ain't nobody gonna come, Tavros ain't even texted. Who the fuckdo you think you is, tryin' to be all up and savin' yourself? Let go, you spineless motherfuck.Let me do this shit up, you know I got what it motherfuckin' takes to keep you from crackin'. You just be gettin' your rest on, brother, get your shit all bedded down. Let me handle it. You know you tired. Ain't no motherfuckin' thing. Make like Elsa and just let motherfuckin' go.

For once, the ugly motherfucker had a point. He was exhausted. And thus far, the malicious end to him had behaved himself. But shit, he knew it wouldn't take much for him to get started. And then get they-all in trouble. But he was so tired. Just a little bit wouldn't hurt, right?

Right?

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As Gamzee's breakdown had started, Tavros' schedule had grown more and more crowded, keeping him away from home and, more importantly, away from his matesprit for days straight, only giving him time for distracted texts and shortened calls. He'd had to postpone the last couple of game nights over it. He was too tired to be uneasy, and too distracted to really be much of a help where the lack of medication was concerned.

But he did worry. He always worried about Gamzee, whether it was necessary or not. And not hearing anything from him, even those profane, poetic nothings that darker half liked to pour over him at random intervals, was certainly something to worry about. He refrained from sending a message on his way over after he finally checked in at Candy's just to see if Gamzee might still be there when he got off of work, hearing that Gamzee wasn't in at all and wasn't expected to be for a while, simply heading to Gamzee's apartment and only giving the collection of stoop-dwellers a cursory hello in passing before letting himself in. He did have the presence of mind to knock at least after he unlocked the door, peeking inside then easing it shut behind him when he'd stepped in.

"Gamzee...?"

The lump of blanket on the sofa shifted a little at the knock, and again at the sound of Tavros' voice. Things in his ears were muted like he was underwater, so while he recognized the voice, the darker part of Gamzee wasn't sure what Tavros had said. He stood up in an uncanny, almost unnatural way, both in speed and posture as he stared with red eyes, head lolled to one side of his hunched shoulders and he gave a sharp smile. It was the smile a hunter would have when he finally trained the crosshairs on a 15 point buck.

"What is up, my little motherfucker," hissed Gamzee, his smile grimly spreading all the more. Oh, sure, he'd be good, he promised. not a hair on a single head would be harmed. Just displaced with the rest of the motherfucking scalp. But Tavros? He was safe. Wasn't any good to him dead. And besides, this little motherfucker would keep him from all that he wanted to be up and doing that wasn't ok. Gamzee knew that.

And right now, he had him all to his own self. There was no passive, quiet, conservative little gnat all in his proverbial ear, telling him he wasn't allowed to play some shit.

Tavros' first instinct at that voice was to bolt right back through the door, but he'd frozen like that proverbial deer in the headlights of a speeding 18-wheeler. His hand was still on the doorknob, clenched down tight and bleeding his knuckles ashen. He forced himself to calm though; it was Gamzee, very obviously that dark part of him that had time and time again confessed his feelings and promised to keep him, the one that he had been getting more and more used to over time and had already assured that he cared about just as much as he did the passive half. He stared back at Gamzee, wrenching his hand away from the door to clamp down around the strap of his work bag instead.

"I'd uh...I'd kind of wanted to see if you might uh. Might want to go get something to eat. Since I have time tonight, I mean. We can stay in though. Leftovers would be just fine."

He wasn't afraid, really. But whenever Gamzee's psyche acted up like this, he had very good reason to be nervous.

"You wanna go out?" It was almost a mocking echo of what Tavros had just said, full of unfathomable maliciousness that he hadn't meant there to be, as he walked closer to Tavros, closing the distance as he spoke with a naturally fluid, naturally terrifying stride in which it seemed every nerve, muscle, and sense was trained straight onto the brownblood, "Well shit, cuz, I can't see no motherfuckin' reason why you want to be all sorts of motherfuckin' busy keepin' me on a short leash. But I ain't gonna even bring up that this would be the first time you asked me personal. Shit yeah, brother, I wanna go somewheres."

His fingers slipped down Tavros' jaw as he looked down into his eyes, his own sclera having bled into a horrific red. Even when he'd fronted before, they'd always managed to stay a bit orange, but it was obvious that there was no such containment on this part of Gamzee right now.

"Just you and me, Tavros. Maybe while we out there, I'll find a nice secluded alley to get you all tucked into, go and make a black stain all up on a wall with our love. Haven't gotten to play my style for ages. Better stains of love, than of avarice, right, Tavros?"

Edited 2014-04-04 16:14 (UTC)

He was sure that Gamzee had to hear his blood pusher starting to hammer against his chest, the closer he got. Tavros' hands tightened down harder on the straps of his bag as he continued to hold the other's gaze, refusing to drop it, almost believing that if he did, he'd be mauled for it. He shivered a little with the finger dragging over his skin.

"I-I-I never said anything about keeping you on a leash," he stammered out, a soft pout pulling on his lips as he leaned his head back just enough to take his jaw away from Gamzee's touch. "I was just...worried. About whether you'd been eating much. Since you're not going to work right now I mean." He made a valiant attempt at ignoring the proposition and how much it sounded like he was about to be used as paint. Which, as Gamzee was right now, felt like a very definite possibility.

Leaning down with a slow, graceful bow of his head to brush his lips against Tavros' ear, he whispered, "Why you gotta act like I'm gonna hurt you, Tavbro? Ain't never done, would never do. As for leashes, I'mmunna need some restraint, 'else I might go off and do somethin' real motherfuckin' miraculous. You all ready to be up and playin' Jiminy Cricket at me? Let me know when I is outta line?" He had taken to brushing his fingertips down from Tavros' jaw, across his throat and down his chest as he purred the growling whisper. He was all up in Tav's space and he knew it was unsettling. But he knew Tavros had it in him to fight back if he felt genuinely threatened.

"Come on bro, ain't ever done you the way I always wanted to do you up. Been kept at bay, sure as shit you know that, too. Only ever get to talkin' about it, never fully got to do it. But he's asleep now. Gonna be asleep for a real good minute." His words dripped and spilled like thick, curdled syrup from his lips, and he moved his head to brush his lips against Tav's as he muttered, "You know how I is, Tavbro. Gotta keep one eye on at all times. Dunno what I'mma do up next."

It almost sounded like the passive side had been purposefully put to sleep, which didn't seem like much of a stretch, when it came to what he knew that this side of Gamzee was capable of. He'd seen hints of it over the time they'd been together, from the first time he'd been rescued in an alley. Tavros bumped his nose against Gamzee's gently and laid his hands over his matesprit's before simply taking them and pulling them down, holding them loosely enough that Gamzee could still pull away if he wanted to.

"Even if we just stayed in and...and did that, I'd still kind of need to be able to walk, you know. I do have work tomorrow after all and I-" he stopped himself from saying that he didn't really want to have to take Gamzee with him, especially like he was now. There was really no telling what might set him off. It was entirely likely that the voodoos would spook the new animals. "I would like to stay in for a while, just in case," he murmured, finally letting his gaze fall.

The fact that the only concern Tavros managed to dredge up was his needing to walk was hilarious to Gamzee, who stepped back with a full out laugh, rumpling Tavros hair under a hand, before slipping away. "Well, ain't much of a date, just kickin' it here, peepin' on the TV. Wanna get my wicked move on, motherfuckin' tear this shit apart! Ain't often I get my say in shit, don't see no motherfuckin' point of being in these four walls." He turned back around to look at Tavros. "Make you a promise, little brother. Since I know I can't be gettin' away with nothin' I actually be wantin' to do up, ain't the law of the land to take out all that has crossed the line? I'mma play good. Be the wicked motherfuckin' gentleman, do you up some good times." He took a moment to consider, then added, "Might even just let your cute little ass hold me back if I get too motherfuckin' rowdy. I wanna go out." He bounced a little, overfull with energy, and the nervous desire to claw and scratch and get everything settled up just the way he needed to and that his passive half had never done.

Including leveling a few motherfuckers' heads for their bullshit. He knew where they lived, knew they were still in town, knew he wanted to string them up and bash them in, make some ruddy ass crusty fuckin' paint with their coppery blood. Serves them right. Serves them all motherfuckin' right.

He looked back into Tavros' eyes and gave him as sincere and assuring smile as he could give. It fell short and only looked awkward and fake.

Tavros' eyes narrowed though. The smile wasn't Gamzee's. There was absolutely no warmth to it that he could have always counted on from his matesprit. "Well...it's all I need at least. Just staying inside I mean. Besides, I heard it was supposed to rain and I'm pretty sure I don't feel like getting wet and cold." Tavros was aware that he was waffling and probably losing Gamzee's interest, but it was this, or risking some sort of massacre. He knew that look. That look meant blood.

"Maybe you could come home with me?" he offered quietly, holding onto Gamzee's hands and squeezing down tight. "I'd be able to keep you held down there at least." Being further from the middle of the city had its upsides.

"You're not followin' me, cuz, I need to get outta here, outta the motherfuckin' prison that I all up and got myself in. Fuckin' day in and out, same motherfuckin' shit. Work. Food. Home. You. ALL that shit is draggin' us down, makin' us all up and forget what we all be, bro!" By that time, Gamzee had slipped away, pacing and gesticulating emphatically as he spoke, his voice starting to pick up in the volume. "It ain't GOOD for us, little motherfucker! Ain't a way we should be peepin' on the lifestream like we all is doin'! Shit, that motherfucker, he don't motherfuckin' think it's too bad, says if somethin' wants to be all up and doin' with me-all, it'll find its way, and that sure as shit ain't GONNA HAPPEN!"

He spun on his heel to hunch down to look Tavros in the eye. "I'm motherfuckin' done with this waitin' around shit. You think I wanna be all stuck in a motherfuckin' box like this the rest of my long ass life? Nah, cuz, I'm all motherfuckin' ready, ready to get me and you up and all settled in cush style." He smirked. "But first, we gotta take care of some trash that'll do us no good by standin up in the motherfuckin' way."

Gamzee had never taken that tone with him before, and it was simultaneously chilling and it made his hackles start to rise. He stiffened up and narrowed his eyes at Gamzee, lips pursed. "What's good for you isn't good for anyone else. You're not allowed to just...just go out and wreak havoc. This isn't Alternia. It's not safe." He stopped and swallowed when his voice start cracking. He steeled himself, then stepped up to Gamzee and pointed down at the couch. "Sit down. Sit down and talk to me if you need something to do. We can go out and walk and whatever else later but right now, you sit down and stop getting loud with me."

And Tavros had never taken that tone with Gamzee! He blinked at that and stepped back once, the bullet train of bloody thoughts stopped in a collision of bullheadedness and derailed entirely. It was obvious in Gamzee's expression that he was stunned and left to his confusion. A moment later, he simply sat down precisely where Tavros was pointing on the couch and staring up at the brownblood with astonishment.

What globes that guy had, to tell him how to up and be. Sure, his desires were still there, churning and boiling at the back of his thoughts, but all he could think was Holy shit, I been laid low by a little motherfucker.

"Still need to get out and get done what all needs to be. Ain't gonna wreck no havoc, cuz. I'm all up and gonna secure some shit, and put things right, motherfucker. ... I mean shit, Tav. Even I know shit ain't well and done up right. First time bein' free, really free and I wanna keep it that way."

He bowed his head. "Shit ain't gonna last us 'less we get us a shrink to talk at, get us back on some shit. Inhibitors are lastin', but if they run out, me-all's fucked. World's motherfuckin' fucked, too. 'Cause if he loses control, then I lose control, it's gonna be inky motherfuckin' death for us all. Ain't even gonna be stardust left of us if me-all calls 'em down."

"Then we'll find you someone new. Set up phone appointments with the old doctor until we can find a new one that you can talk to. But in the meantime, your taking care of shit is going to have to wait. I know what that means, Gamzee. And I don't want you locked up. I don't want you taken to another ward and strapped down and doped to the fucking lookstubs because you think you have to just go and square away all these people that are acting like assholes. You're better than that." Tavros paced as he talked, one hand tucked up under his arm as the other hand gestured vaguely with his words. He stopped to look back at Gamzee, scowling and rubbing his fingers across his forehead. "There are better ways to take care of yourself and the rest of us than turning everyone that's wronged you into mulch, whether you can see that or not. He can see it, and I was kind of hoping that you might too."

Edited 2014-04-04 20:48 (UTC)

Muttering "Wouldn't be no evidence of shit if I did it up," under his breath, Gamzee hung his head with a petulant glare at the floor. He knew that if he hauled them up to the woods and mountains, nobody would find them until they were well and truly compost. Easy enough to explain away their disappearances as them booking it because they had some warrants to avoid. He would have called the cops down on them, but he wasn't no sorta snitch. Better a murderer than a motherfuckin' snitch.

He muttered a little louder so Tavros could hear him clearly enough, "Ain't all that motherfuckin' easy, bro. And it ain't those who wronged me. It's... those motherfuckers who all up and busted your horn and stabbed me-all. And their buddies. They got more of 'em now. Heard some motherfuckin' rumors they is gonna try and rid town of us somehows. Spook the lowbloods out, go to motherfuckin' battle with us highbloods. Ain't no tellin' what they'd do to the mutants." He wrung his hands as he spoke, needing to feel something against his hands, feel pressure in them.

Tavros sighed heavily and crouched down in front of Gamzee, reaching up and taking his hands to give him something to hold onto. He looked up at those deep, disturbingly red eyes with a soft frown, brow furrowed as he searched for the right words to try and avert whatever upcoming crisis Gamzee was planning.

"I'm ok now," he murmured, keeping his voice just as low. "I'm healed, and you're healed and if they did hurt someone else, there really isn't much we can do about it. You might still have your blood, but here, it won't excuse you like it would have back home. And even if they were never found, you know they have to have families. Don't bring down a lot of pain on the innocent humans just because a few came up bad."

He sighed and straightened back up, sitting down beside Gamzee instead, still holding onto one of his hands. "At least one half of you-all knows that I'm right. And in any case, I'm not going to live in fear because of a bunch of short-lived pricks with a hardon for picking on people that are different from them, even if they are still right there. And it's not your job to get rid of them anyway. What you want to do, it just cements in everyone else's mind that maybe the guys that are out to get us are right. Don't...don't set yourself up for that.

Besides," he added, "We both know I can take 'em, and so can the rest of us. They're kind of pathetic as far as species go."

"Man, fuck the twisted family trees that bore those fuckin' bad apples. They probably just as motherfuckin' on with the bullshit that they fam is down with, and besides, Tav, if they got any family, them motherfuckers is guardians and guardians with that kinda belief all makin' up our reality need to get the fuck gone, too." He clenched his jaw to keep himself from spilling into a tirade of exactly how fucked that system would be if some Human Priders got a hold of the reins. Luckily, a certain Strider was doing his end of shit well and proper, keeping everything up and equal, so far as he'd been told. Small favors, he figured.

He gripped Tavros' hands tight and lightly headbutted his matesprit, muttering, "I hate them in the motherfuckin' worst way a motherfucker like me can. I want them up and outta here. If they start shit with you or me again, though, I ain't gonna hold back. You feel me, cuz? I am not gonna stand for that kinda shit against us no more."

"See the thing is that you don't know that their guardians, or girlfriends or kids or whatever else they might have after living here for this long might think. Maybe their violent streak is hidden from the rest of the people they care about. You don't know what the others are like, not for certain. It's just like...the different blood castes, kind of. You meet a bunch of bluebloods and you think they should all be exactly the same, because you've met this one or two that were really shitty, but then, you really get to know them, and they're all really different and some of them are bad but others are really good, decent people. But you don't know that unless you know them. So just...chill out on this for a little while, ok? At least until you're back on the medication that you already said you know you need. I don't know, but I'm pretty sure, if you go around killing people because they hurt the rest of us, it'll only draw more attention and get us squished by tentacles and things."

"Don't you be all up and makin' shit you don't know about, Tavros," Gamzee muttered, scowling a little. "Them motherfuckers are only around when I let 'em get in, or if a group gets together and pulls forth that motherfuckin' harmonic that the session has, that underlyin' motherfuckin' harmony we all put off. Got meds for that, to keep them from pushin' me around too terribly much. Shit, cuz, this is the first time I ain't bein' yanked around and you wanna spend it up and jawin'? Arguin' semantics over what is or is not righteous motherfuckin' comeuppance?" He shook his head. "Tavros, you know well as me them dicks up in our grills that night couldn't hide that kind of darkness they was totin'. You know that the ones who claim they love 'em are only doing that shit out of obligation or fear." He shook his head.

"Take off them rose tinted glasses you got plastered up on your face and motherfuckin' peep at it a minute. It ain't good to be so motherfuckin' ignorant. And it ain't analogous to the hemospectrum. Not with this shit. You know those motherfuckers? They ain't like some scumblood rumor. We saw that shit for ourselves and you still wanna have me hold back judgment. If I wasn't motherfuckin' immortal and wasn't there for you when I was, you woulda been dead as Odakul is now. You want that for some other troll, homie? 'Cause I can't let that shit happen. Ain't about blood color no more. It's about weedin' out the motherfuckin' vermin so our already motherfuckin' rare ass species doesn't go all motherfuckin' extinct."

Tavros' expression tightened, his hand pulling back out of Gamzee's to lay curled on top of his knee, the other hand wrapped around it. "Is that really what you think?" he asked quietly, looking sidelong at Gamzee. "That I'm ignorant? That I don't know what the world is like? Do you even realize how long I've been here?" His tone was obviously angry by now, eyes narrowed at Gamzee once more. He was ignoring the 'scumblood' comment, purely because he knew this Gamzee's speech pattern well enough to know that these things just slipped. "I never said it was about just the hemospectrum and you know that. Don't you dare twist my words to fit your logic. You can judge all you like, but I'm not letting you go out and turn a bunch of idiotic iron-blooded fucks into a pretty crappy mural or whatever you were going to do with them. If you do that, I'll..."

He didn't know what he would do, and he knew that just as well as Gamzee most likely did. He wouldn't threaten to terminate their quadrants, that would more than likely lead to a full break and then everything would spiral down until Gamzee was subdued if he couldn't be killed outright. He didn't want to leave Gamzee alone with his own thoughts either, so threatening to stay away at all felt like the worst idea. So he just let the sentence flap in the wind, his hands wringing around eachother as he tried to push back the ringing in his ears that came with the upsurge of anger, at himself, at Gamzee and the entire situation.

When he spoke up again, it was nearly a whisper, his head hanging. "I just don't want them to take you away from me, that's all."

Gamzee stood and slipped away from Tavros after he heard the reason behind the anger and fear. He had to hold it all in, and it was getting harder to do so. "I want them dead. And the world would be better if they was." He was as vocally level as he ever could be, and as he paced to the fridge to grab something to drink, he continued, "If they keep up like they be doin', someone else is gonna die. Might not be you or me, might not be anybody we even got our know on about, but you want me to turn a motherfuckin' blind eye to that, and let us get picked off one by motherfuckin' one? Motherfucker, please. I been playin' by the motherfuckin' idiot rules they got here, despite what all I got to be doin' by blood and necessity, I been layin' real calm and low, Tavros. This city's mine, and I gotta be up and lookin' after it. And all that stand below me. And that's what a subjugglator do. It ain't about heirarchy, ain't about some motherfuckin' blood. If a motherfucker up and disrespects, if a shit ass prick like them guys is comes around threatenin' the calm of the pool, I gotta be the motherfucker to lay them low. You see any other motherfuckers out here knowin' what they all gotta do, Tav? I ain't never seen a single indigo ass motherfucker outside of me and myself." He took a long swig of his soda and shook his head.

"Sure, it's real antiquated, but it ain't as though I'm ready to drop the club and call my righteous motherfuckin' duty somethin' like an abomination. This... What you be tellin' me I gotta do? What I shouldn't do? It's all up and against the shit what's been laid out for me. I won't be taken from you, homie. You my ninja, I ain't lettin' that get knocked around for nothin'." He clenched his jaw again as he held back the desire to peal out and leave Tavros here, wondering and worrying.

"But I ain't gonna let them be up in this town runnin' off good honest people, or killin' 'em without so much as a cursory motherfuckin' glance by the cops. They ain't doin' they job, so someone motherfuckin's gotta."

"And that's exactly the kind of thing that's gonna make them lock you back up. You thinking it's necessary to make yourself the enforcer here. The cops around here know you, Gamzee. Even if you do do something that those people can't be found, you'll immediately be a suspect because of who you are. Yeah, it might be considered profiling, but that's how things work now. You're not in charge of culling the ignorant minority. And that's what they are, you know. A minority. The good people and the ones that want to keep us all safe, they far outnumber the number of Priders, and we're still tougher than them. That's why they need to get into gangs to hurt us. And you already said it yourself, we have Bro lobbying for us, and you know there are other Guardians around here. I happen to know that Cass? His Guardian is right here in town, and he's alright." Shrugging some, Tavros pulled his legs up in front of him, his arms crossed and sandwiched between his thighs and his chest. He glanced up at Gamzee as he milled about the apartment, then rested his cheek against his knees. "Gamzee, this crusade of yours isn't going to help anything. You can't take all of them out, and you can't intimidate them all into silence. That's not how people work."

"You still seem to up and bein' hellbent on askin' me to look the other way. You coulda died. My homegirl did. You tellin' me, for real, that I should do absolutely nothin' to them? Motherfucker, look at me. Do I really look like the kinda motherfucker who all be lookin' the other way? Even if I ain't fuckin' front and present, I'm always motherfuckin' lookin'." He stepped back up to Tavros and crouched beside him.

"I ain't gonna let that happen to you again, ain't gonna let you get killed. Already don't got too much time with you, like fuck if I'm lettin' nobody motherfuckin' up and compromise that."

"I'm not asking you to just look the other way and pretend they're not there," Tavros sighed, frowning back at Gamzee but looking straight back at him. "I'm asking you to be the bigger person here. They'll get what's coming to them, you just have to be patient. And going off half-cocked to exact revenge on these guys and everyone else that might hurt us is probably a little better than they deserve anyway. It'd be a waste of time to waste real, righteous anger on them. You already scared them after they stabbed you so I doubt they're going to try that again to you or me, just because of the intimidation factor. And don't think that I'm not grateful for what you did in the first place. Because I am. I'm glad you found me and made sure the worst of it was a broken horn. I just don't think it's worth it, especially for this one group. The last I heard, a couple of them were still locked up anyway, after someone decided they should probably go to the cops too. Anyway, if everything goes right, I doubt the death penalty would be far behind and then you wouldn't even have to get your hands dirty in the first place. Better to just keep an eye out like you always do, and keep your job and your life, than risk being put in an even smaller box with less friendly people over a few people that take it upon themselves to be judge, jury and executioner." He gave Gamzee a pointed look at that, then stood up, shouldering his bag and starting toward the door. "Now are you coming with me or not?"

He unfolded from his crouched position and put his hands on Tavros' shoulders once he caught up to him, slipping around to look his matesprit in the eyes. "Ain't just you and me I'm worried for, bro. Can we just up an'... shit." He bowed his head with a huff of breath.

"Can you and me just get our walk on for a bit? Ain't gonna do a thing. Just stop bein' mad at me, Tavros. I ain't done nothin' to deserve this shit." He hated playing the pity card, especially on Tavros, but hell. That wasn't what he'd even been planning to do first, in the first place. The primary concern was getting himself set up with more inhibitors so that while he was allowed to be present, he wasn't getting puppeted around by the motherfucking horrorterrors or whatever strong psychic force wanted to get him most.

He didn't want Tavros to know how important that was. He didn't want to worry Tavros further.

He just dropped his hands down from his mate's shoulders and tucked them into his pockets. "Promise I'll play good. I'll even motherfuckin' pinkie swear it."

Tavros leaned his head forward against Gamzee's shoulder briefly, huffing and wrapping his arms loosely around the other's waist. "Maybe we can figure out what to do about your meds while we're out. That way you don't have to worry about whatever else is going on in your pan." He was starting to hope that this side of Gamzee would only occupy the forefront of his mind for a little while, but the longer he talked and the stronger Tavros realized he was, he was starting to doubt that he would see the gentler side again. And that frightened him almost as much than the possibility of Gamzee getting taken away entirely. He was still angry, but he also realized that there was no good in getting mad at any of this when so far, Gamzee had behaved himself.

When they headed out into the dim cloudy evening, Tavros almost had to make himself hold Gamzee's hand, keep a sharp eye out for anyone that Gamzee might set his sights on. The sooner they were able to find a way to get Gamzee back on the medication he needed, the less they would have to worry about everything else that would come with a complete mental break.

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