Save me from myself
It had gotten too hard to lie to himself anymore; he was a motherfucking wreck. After his therapist transferred out of the state work and into a private practice, he couldn't afford to pay the guy what he was charging, and the idea of starting up a new dialogue with some unknown motherfucker didn't sound appealing to Gamzee at all. He'd done that before, and it was shaky ground for nearly a year with this guy before he started feeling really at peace with letting himself be all of himself around the guy.
But with no therapist, there was no way to get his medication. At least one of the meds was something that had refills for a year - the inhibitors that kept the whispers out and kept the dark motherfucker somewhat controllable in his pan would last long enough, but the rest of it, the shit that knocked him out, the shit that kept his forepan balanced in the meanwhile? That had run out two weeks ago. It was a pretty hard spiral downward after the first week, and this week hadn't even had the courtesy of a spiral. It was straight motherfucking down, in a nosedive of anger and guilt and ungodly memories that bubbled through and trickled into his sponge, reminding him that there was a reason he was alone, and that there was a reason for those motherfucking scars down his face.
Gamzee hadn't called in three days, and only had the presence of mind to talk to his boss the night before locking up to tell him what had been going down five days prior, and asked for a week or two off so he didn't wind up hurting anybody. His boss marked him down for vacation and asked the highblood to find something fast for the sake of his own health.
He hadn't. The idea of doing it all over again, breaking another person under the weight of his fucking problems was too much for him. He should have just been committed again after all. Fucking motherfuck, he wasn't safe.
So that was why he was still in his place, shivering under the cover of a heavy blanket, grinding his teeth and muttering to himself in an argument. Ain't nobody gonna come, Tavros ain't even texted. Who the fuckdo you think you is, tryin' to be all up and savin' yourself? Let go, you spineless motherfuck.Let me do this shit up, you know I got what it motherfuckin' takes to keep you from crackin'. You just be gettin' your rest on, brother, get your shit all bedded down. Let me handle it. You know you tired. Ain't no motherfuckin' thing. Make like Elsa and just let motherfuckin' go.
For once, the ugly motherfucker had a point. He was exhausted. And thus far, the malicious end to him had behaved himself. But shit, he knew it wouldn't take much for him to get started. And then get they-all in trouble. But he was so tired. Just a little bit wouldn't hurt, right?
Right?
But with no therapist, there was no way to get his medication. At least one of the meds was something that had refills for a year - the inhibitors that kept the whispers out and kept the dark motherfucker somewhat controllable in his pan would last long enough, but the rest of it, the shit that knocked him out, the shit that kept his forepan balanced in the meanwhile? That had run out two weeks ago. It was a pretty hard spiral downward after the first week, and this week hadn't even had the courtesy of a spiral. It was straight motherfucking down, in a nosedive of anger and guilt and ungodly memories that bubbled through and trickled into his sponge, reminding him that there was a reason he was alone, and that there was a reason for those motherfucking scars down his face.
Gamzee hadn't called in three days, and only had the presence of mind to talk to his boss the night before locking up to tell him what had been going down five days prior, and asked for a week or two off so he didn't wind up hurting anybody. His boss marked him down for vacation and asked the highblood to find something fast for the sake of his own health.
He hadn't. The idea of doing it all over again, breaking another person under the weight of his fucking problems was too much for him. He should have just been committed again after all. Fucking motherfuck, he wasn't safe.
So that was why he was still in his place, shivering under the cover of a heavy blanket, grinding his teeth and muttering to himself in an argument. Ain't nobody gonna come, Tavros ain't even texted. Who the fuckdo you think you is, tryin' to be all up and savin' yourself? Let go, you spineless motherfuck.Let me do this shit up, you know I got what it motherfuckin' takes to keep you from crackin'. You just be gettin' your rest on, brother, get your shit all bedded down. Let me handle it. You know you tired. Ain't no motherfuckin' thing. Make like Elsa and just let motherfuckin' go.
For once, the ugly motherfucker had a point. He was exhausted. And thus far, the malicious end to him had behaved himself. But shit, he knew it wouldn't take much for him to get started. And then get they-all in trouble. But he was so tired. Just a little bit wouldn't hurt, right?
Right?
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But he did worry. He always worried about Gamzee, whether it was necessary or not. And not hearing anything from him, even those profane, poetic nothings that darker half liked to pour over him at random intervals, was certainly something to worry about. He refrained from sending a message on his way over after he finally checked in at Candy's just to see if Gamzee might still be there when he got off of work, hearing that Gamzee wasn't in at all and wasn't expected to be for a while, simply heading to Gamzee's apartment and only giving the collection of stoop-dwellers a cursory hello in passing before letting himself in. He did have the presence of mind to knock at least after he unlocked the door, peeking inside then easing it shut behind him when he'd stepped in.
"Gamzee...?"
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"What is up, my little motherfucker," hissed Gamzee, his smile grimly spreading all the more. Oh, sure, he'd be good, he promised. not a hair on a single head would be harmed. Just displaced with the rest of the motherfucking scalp. But Tavros? He was safe. Wasn't any good to him dead. And besides, this little motherfucker would keep him from all that he wanted to be up and doing that wasn't ok. Gamzee knew that.
And right now, he had him all to his own self. There was no passive, quiet, conservative little gnat all in his proverbial ear, telling him he wasn't allowed to play some shit.
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"I'd uh...I'd kind of wanted to see if you might uh. Might want to go get something to eat. Since I have time tonight, I mean. We can stay in though. Leftovers would be just fine."
He wasn't afraid, really. But whenever Gamzee's psyche acted up like this, he had very good reason to be nervous.
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His fingers slipped down Tavros' jaw as he looked down into his eyes, his own sclera having bled into a horrific red. Even when he'd fronted before, they'd always managed to stay a bit orange, but it was obvious that there was no such containment on this part of Gamzee right now.
"Just you and me, Tavros. Maybe while we out there, I'll find a nice secluded alley to get you all tucked into, go and make a black stain all up on a wall with our love. Haven't gotten to play my style for ages. Better stains of love, than of avarice, right, Tavros?"
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"I-I-I never said anything about keeping you on a leash," he stammered out, a soft pout pulling on his lips as he leaned his head back just enough to take his jaw away from Gamzee's touch. "I was just...worried. About whether you'd been eating much. Since you're not going to work right now I mean." He made a valiant attempt at ignoring the proposition and how much it sounded like he was about to be used as paint. Which, as Gamzee was right now, felt like a very definite possibility.
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"Come on bro, ain't ever done you the way I always wanted to do you up. Been kept at bay, sure as shit you know that, too. Only ever get to talkin' about it, never fully got to do it. But he's asleep now. Gonna be asleep for a real good minute." His words dripped and spilled like thick, curdled syrup from his lips, and he moved his head to brush his lips against Tav's as he muttered, "You know how I is, Tavbro. Gotta keep one eye on at all times. Dunno what I'mma do up next."
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"Even if we just stayed in and...and did that, I'd still kind of need to be able to walk, you know. I do have work tomorrow after all and I-" he stopped himself from saying that he didn't really want to have to take Gamzee with him, especially like he was now. There was really no telling what might set him off. It was entirely likely that the voodoos would spook the new animals. "I would like to stay in for a while, just in case," he murmured, finally letting his gaze fall.
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Including leveling a few motherfuckers' heads for their bullshit. He knew where they lived, knew they were still in town, knew he wanted to string them up and bash them in, make some ruddy ass crusty fuckin' paint with their coppery blood. Serves them right. Serves them all motherfuckin' right.
He looked back into Tavros' eyes and gave him as sincere and assuring smile as he could give. It fell short and only looked awkward and fake.
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"Maybe you could come home with me?" he offered quietly, holding onto Gamzee's hands and squeezing down tight. "I'd be able to keep you held down there at least." Being further from the middle of the city had its upsides.
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He spun on his heel to hunch down to look Tavros in the eye. "I'm motherfuckin' done with this waitin' around shit. You think I wanna be all stuck in a motherfuckin' box like this the rest of my long ass life? Nah, cuz, I'm all motherfuckin' ready, ready to get me and you up and all settled in cush style." He smirked. "But first, we gotta take care of some trash that'll do us no good by standin up in the motherfuckin' way."
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What globes that guy had, to tell him how to up and be. Sure, his desires were still there, churning and boiling at the back of his thoughts, but all he could think was Holy shit, I been laid low by a little motherfucker.
"Still need to get out and get done what all needs to be. Ain't gonna wreck no havoc, cuz. I'm all up and gonna secure some shit, and put things right, motherfucker. ... I mean shit, Tav. Even I know shit ain't well and done up right. First time bein' free, really free and I wanna keep it that way."
He bowed his head. "Shit ain't gonna last us 'less we get us a shrink to talk at, get us back on some shit. Inhibitors are lastin', but if they run out, me-all's fucked. World's motherfuckin' fucked, too. 'Cause if he loses control, then I lose control, it's gonna be inky motherfuckin' death for us all. Ain't even gonna be stardust left of us if me-all calls 'em down."
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He muttered a little louder so Tavros could hear him clearly enough, "Ain't all that motherfuckin' easy, bro. And it ain't those who wronged me. It's... those motherfuckers who all up and busted your horn and stabbed me-all. And their buddies. They got more of 'em now. Heard some motherfuckin' rumors they is gonna try and rid town of us somehows. Spook the lowbloods out, go to motherfuckin' battle with us highbloods. Ain't no tellin' what they'd do to the mutants." He wrung his hands as he spoke, needing to feel something against his hands, feel pressure in them.
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"I'm ok now," he murmured, keeping his voice just as low. "I'm healed, and you're healed and if they did hurt someone else, there really isn't much we can do about it. You might still have your blood, but here, it won't excuse you like it would have back home. And even if they were never found, you know they have to have families. Don't bring down a lot of pain on the innocent humans just because a few came up bad."
He sighed and straightened back up, sitting down beside Gamzee instead, still holding onto one of his hands. "At least one half of you-all knows that I'm right. And in any case, I'm not going to live in fear because of a bunch of short-lived pricks with a hardon for picking on people that are different from them, even if they are still right there. And it's not your job to get rid of them anyway. What you want to do, it just cements in everyone else's mind that maybe the guys that are out to get us are right. Don't...don't set yourself up for that.
Besides," he added, "We both know I can take 'em, and so can the rest of us. They're kind of pathetic as far as species go."
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He gripped Tavros' hands tight and lightly headbutted his matesprit, muttering, "I hate them in the motherfuckin' worst way a motherfucker like me can. I want them up and outta here. If they start shit with you or me again, though, I ain't gonna hold back. You feel me, cuz? I am not gonna stand for that kinda shit against us no more."
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"Take off them rose tinted glasses you got plastered up on your face and motherfuckin' peep at it a minute. It ain't good to be so motherfuckin' ignorant. And it ain't analogous to the hemospectrum. Not with this shit. You know those motherfuckers? They ain't like some scumblood rumor. We saw that shit for ourselves and you still wanna have me hold back judgment. If I wasn't motherfuckin' immortal and wasn't there for you when I was, you woulda been dead as Odakul is now. You want that for some other troll, homie? 'Cause I can't let that shit happen. Ain't about blood color no more. It's about weedin' out the motherfuckin' vermin so our already motherfuckin' rare ass species doesn't go all motherfuckin' extinct."
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He didn't know what he would do, and he knew that just as well as Gamzee most likely did. He wouldn't threaten to terminate their quadrants, that would more than likely lead to a full break and then everything would spiral down until Gamzee was subdued if he couldn't be killed outright. He didn't want to leave Gamzee alone with his own thoughts either, so threatening to stay away at all felt like the worst idea. So he just let the sentence flap in the wind, his hands wringing around eachother as he tried to push back the ringing in his ears that came with the upsurge of anger, at himself, at Gamzee and the entire situation.
When he spoke up again, it was nearly a whisper, his head hanging. "I just don't want them to take you away from me, that's all."
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"Sure, it's real antiquated, but it ain't as though I'm ready to drop the club and call my righteous motherfuckin' duty somethin' like an abomination. This... What you be tellin' me I gotta do? What I shouldn't do? It's all up and against the shit what's been laid out for me. I won't be taken from you, homie. You my ninja, I ain't lettin' that get knocked around for nothin'." He clenched his jaw again as he held back the desire to peal out and leave Tavros here, wondering and worrying.
"But I ain't gonna let them be up in this town runnin' off good honest people, or killin' 'em without so much as a cursory motherfuckin' glance by the cops. They ain't doin' they job, so someone motherfuckin's gotta."
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"I ain't gonna let that happen to you again, ain't gonna let you get killed. Already don't got too much time with you, like fuck if I'm lettin' nobody motherfuckin' up and compromise that."
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"Can you and me just get our walk on for a bit? Ain't gonna do a thing. Just stop bein' mad at me, Tavros. I ain't done nothin' to deserve this shit." He hated playing the pity card, especially on Tavros, but hell. That wasn't what he'd even been planning to do first, in the first place. The primary concern was getting himself set up with more inhibitors so that while he was allowed to be present, he wasn't getting puppeted around by the motherfucking horrorterrors or whatever strong psychic force wanted to get him most.
He didn't want Tavros to know how important that was. He didn't want to worry Tavros further.
He just dropped his hands down from his mate's shoulders and tucked them into his pockets. "Promise I'll play good. I'll even motherfuckin' pinkie swear it."
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When they headed out into the dim cloudy evening, Tavros almost had to make himself hold Gamzee's hand, keep a sharp eye out for anyone that Gamzee might set his sights on. The sooner they were able to find a way to get Gamzee back on the medication he needed, the less they would have to worry about everything else that would come with a complete mental break.
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