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Save me from myself
It had gotten too hard to lie to himself anymore; he was a motherfucking wreck. After his therapist transferred out of the state work and into a private practice, he couldn't afford to pay the guy what he was charging, and the idea of starting up a new dialogue with some unknown motherfucker didn't sound appealing to Gamzee at all. He'd done that before, and it was shaky ground for nearly a year with this guy before he started feeling really at peace with letting himself be all of himself around the guy.
But with no therapist, there was no way to get his medication. At least one of the meds was something that had refills for a year - the inhibitors that kept the whispers out and kept the dark motherfucker somewhat controllable in his pan would last long enough, but the rest of it, the shit that knocked him out, the shit that kept his forepan balanced in the meanwhile? That had run out two weeks ago. It was a pretty hard spiral downward after the first week, and this week hadn't even had the courtesy of a spiral. It was straight motherfucking down, in a nosedive of anger and guilt and ungodly memories that bubbled through and trickled into his sponge, reminding him that there was a reason he was alone, and that there was a reason for those motherfucking scars down his face.
Gamzee hadn't called in three days, and only had the presence of mind to talk to his boss the night before locking up to tell him what had been going down five days prior, and asked for a week or two off so he didn't wind up hurting anybody. His boss marked him down for vacation and asked the highblood to find something fast for the sake of his own health.
He hadn't. The idea of doing it all over again, breaking another person under the weight of his fucking problems was too much for him. He should have just been committed again after all. Fucking motherfuck, he wasn't safe.
So that was why he was still in his place, shivering under the cover of a heavy blanket, grinding his teeth and muttering to himself in an argument. Ain't nobody gonna come, Tavros ain't even texted. Who the fuckdo you think you is, tryin' to be all up and savin' yourself? Let go, you spineless motherfuck.Let me do this shit up, you know I got what it motherfuckin' takes to keep you from crackin'. You just be gettin' your rest on, brother, get your shit all bedded down. Let me handle it. You know you tired. Ain't no motherfuckin' thing. Make like Elsa and just let motherfuckin' go.
For once, the ugly motherfucker had a point. He was exhausted. And thus far, the malicious end to him had behaved himself. But shit, he knew it wouldn't take much for him to get started. And then get they-all in trouble. But he was so tired. Just a little bit wouldn't hurt, right?
Right?
But with no therapist, there was no way to get his medication. At least one of the meds was something that had refills for a year - the inhibitors that kept the whispers out and kept the dark motherfucker somewhat controllable in his pan would last long enough, but the rest of it, the shit that knocked him out, the shit that kept his forepan balanced in the meanwhile? That had run out two weeks ago. It was a pretty hard spiral downward after the first week, and this week hadn't even had the courtesy of a spiral. It was straight motherfucking down, in a nosedive of anger and guilt and ungodly memories that bubbled through and trickled into his sponge, reminding him that there was a reason he was alone, and that there was a reason for those motherfucking scars down his face.
Gamzee hadn't called in three days, and only had the presence of mind to talk to his boss the night before locking up to tell him what had been going down five days prior, and asked for a week or two off so he didn't wind up hurting anybody. His boss marked him down for vacation and asked the highblood to find something fast for the sake of his own health.
He hadn't. The idea of doing it all over again, breaking another person under the weight of his fucking problems was too much for him. He should have just been committed again after all. Fucking motherfuck, he wasn't safe.
So that was why he was still in his place, shivering under the cover of a heavy blanket, grinding his teeth and muttering to himself in an argument. Ain't nobody gonna come, Tavros ain't even texted. Who the fuckdo you think you is, tryin' to be all up and savin' yourself? Let go, you spineless motherfuck.Let me do this shit up, you know I got what it motherfuckin' takes to keep you from crackin'. You just be gettin' your rest on, brother, get your shit all bedded down. Let me handle it. You know you tired. Ain't no motherfuckin' thing. Make like Elsa and just let motherfuckin' go.
For once, the ugly motherfucker had a point. He was exhausted. And thus far, the malicious end to him had behaved himself. But shit, he knew it wouldn't take much for him to get started. And then get they-all in trouble. But he was so tired. Just a little bit wouldn't hurt, right?
Right?
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"I'm ok now," he murmured, keeping his voice just as low. "I'm healed, and you're healed and if they did hurt someone else, there really isn't much we can do about it. You might still have your blood, but here, it won't excuse you like it would have back home. And even if they were never found, you know they have to have families. Don't bring down a lot of pain on the innocent humans just because a few came up bad."
He sighed and straightened back up, sitting down beside Gamzee instead, still holding onto one of his hands. "At least one half of you-all knows that I'm right. And in any case, I'm not going to live in fear because of a bunch of short-lived pricks with a hardon for picking on people that are different from them, even if they are still right there. And it's not your job to get rid of them anyway. What you want to do, it just cements in everyone else's mind that maybe the guys that are out to get us are right. Don't...don't set yourself up for that.
Besides," he added, "We both know I can take 'em, and so can the rest of us. They're kind of pathetic as far as species go."
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He gripped Tavros' hands tight and lightly headbutted his matesprit, muttering, "I hate them in the motherfuckin' worst way a motherfucker like me can. I want them up and outta here. If they start shit with you or me again, though, I ain't gonna hold back. You feel me, cuz? I am not gonna stand for that kinda shit against us no more."
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"Take off them rose tinted glasses you got plastered up on your face and motherfuckin' peep at it a minute. It ain't good to be so motherfuckin' ignorant. And it ain't analogous to the hemospectrum. Not with this shit. You know those motherfuckers? They ain't like some scumblood rumor. We saw that shit for ourselves and you still wanna have me hold back judgment. If I wasn't motherfuckin' immortal and wasn't there for you when I was, you woulda been dead as Odakul is now. You want that for some other troll, homie? 'Cause I can't let that shit happen. Ain't about blood color no more. It's about weedin' out the motherfuckin' vermin so our already motherfuckin' rare ass species doesn't go all motherfuckin' extinct."
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He didn't know what he would do, and he knew that just as well as Gamzee most likely did. He wouldn't threaten to terminate their quadrants, that would more than likely lead to a full break and then everything would spiral down until Gamzee was subdued if he couldn't be killed outright. He didn't want to leave Gamzee alone with his own thoughts either, so threatening to stay away at all felt like the worst idea. So he just let the sentence flap in the wind, his hands wringing around eachother as he tried to push back the ringing in his ears that came with the upsurge of anger, at himself, at Gamzee and the entire situation.
When he spoke up again, it was nearly a whisper, his head hanging. "I just don't want them to take you away from me, that's all."
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"Sure, it's real antiquated, but it ain't as though I'm ready to drop the club and call my righteous motherfuckin' duty somethin' like an abomination. This... What you be tellin' me I gotta do? What I shouldn't do? It's all up and against the shit what's been laid out for me. I won't be taken from you, homie. You my ninja, I ain't lettin' that get knocked around for nothin'." He clenched his jaw again as he held back the desire to peal out and leave Tavros here, wondering and worrying.
"But I ain't gonna let them be up in this town runnin' off good honest people, or killin' 'em without so much as a cursory motherfuckin' glance by the cops. They ain't doin' they job, so someone motherfuckin's gotta."
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"I ain't gonna let that happen to you again, ain't gonna let you get killed. Already don't got too much time with you, like fuck if I'm lettin' nobody motherfuckin' up and compromise that."
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"Can you and me just get our walk on for a bit? Ain't gonna do a thing. Just stop bein' mad at me, Tavros. I ain't done nothin' to deserve this shit." He hated playing the pity card, especially on Tavros, but hell. That wasn't what he'd even been planning to do first, in the first place. The primary concern was getting himself set up with more inhibitors so that while he was allowed to be present, he wasn't getting puppeted around by the motherfucking horrorterrors or whatever strong psychic force wanted to get him most.
He didn't want Tavros to know how important that was. He didn't want to worry Tavros further.
He just dropped his hands down from his mate's shoulders and tucked them into his pockets. "Promise I'll play good. I'll even motherfuckin' pinkie swear it."
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When they headed out into the dim cloudy evening, Tavros almost had to make himself hold Gamzee's hand, keep a sharp eye out for anyone that Gamzee might set his sights on. The sooner they were able to find a way to get Gamzee back on the medication he needed, the less they would have to worry about everything else that would come with a complete mental break.
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While sure, it was a bit of a struggle to keep himself from being hyperaware of their surroundings, Gamzee did his damndest to simply focus on Tavros, the warmth of his hand, the scent of his skin and hair, the pulse he could feel. "Look, I know you got your worry on about a lot when it's me you're up and dealin' with," he rumbled, "but look bro, I ain't never gonna do somethin' you gotta be up an' worryin' over. I'm better now. Verbal. Got my motherfuckin' eloquence on. You instrumental in all of it, you got me to wantin' to speak. And I told you before, it's 'cause of you I still got any motherfuckin' desire even left in me. Goes for me-all. So what you sayin', me gettin' locked up or what? It ain't gonna happen. Other side of shit's all got his want on to just be locked up again, ain't no good for nobody, he says. 'Cept you. And like I was tryin' to preach on before we got all fuckin' sidetracked on his shit, is that he ain't been active enough in gettin' there, in findin' a reason to be." He gave an actual, somewhat warm smile, and brought Tavros' hand up to kiss it.
"Ain't gonna let him just let our shit stagnate when there's good we can be doin'. And findin' good for us, too."
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When they'd turned onto the street leading up to his apartment complex, Tavros slowed down, looking down at his feet as he tucked his hands into the pockets of his pants, picking some at the inner seams of his pockets. "Gamzee, do you think maybe you could stay here with me until we figure this out?" He just hoped it wasn't obvious that he didn't quite trust his matesprit's judgments to remain sound.
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"If he was feeling that...that low, why didn't he tell me?" Tavros asked, his frown seemingly cemented on his face. "If he wanted to keep me from worrying, I guess I can understand that, but it would have been a lot more helpful if he'd talked to me about this before he went to sleep in the first place."
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Gamzee slipped towards the apartment door and tucked his hands in his pockets. "Damn. Not like you don't love me, I know you do, but... you got your favorite. Ain't no motherfuckin' problem; all the same guy, I suppose."
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"It's not that I'm trying to pick favorites. You already know I love all of you. I wouldn't have said it unless I really felt that way. But when you're up front...I do worry. I worry about what you might do. You're a really loud presence and around here...that doesn't really bode well. Especially with the way you think. I'm not just going to have complete blind faith that you know what you're doing, or what you're going to do, or that you won't get caught or hurt because you can't always be that lucky. And if he didn't know what to say to me then...then what did I do to make him feel like he couldn't say anything?" He pouted up at Gamzee, his hands coming down to clench between his knees instead as he hunched there on the edge of his seat with his elbows against his legs. "I know he's not really good at being eloquent or anything, but at least I was a little better at reading his intentions without a lot of arguing."
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"Shit, yeah okay, malicious intent is inherent, got its malevolence on. But that ain't nothin', once it takes over and takes form. He didn't know. Was all motherfuckin' scared of it. Poisoned hisself and ate through his pan with the slime, fearin' all the Voodoos is, is madness. Motherfucker, look at me. That can't be true. Lookin' at Kurloz, it ain't true for him neither." he sat up just enough to lean over and rest with his head bowed.
"So when I get my jaw on about this shit I gotta do, the shit I'm bound to be all up and doin'? Ain't 'cause of no reason 'cept... it's what the voodoos is meant to all up and be. And it ain't always dark. It ain't always evil. It's necessary. And by you sayin' it ain't necessary, that I ain't allowed to be this way? That you'd rather be bowin' to them human rules instead of the natural laws of what all we as a species gotta be all up to do? Makes me rip apart in here." He pointed to his heart, then to his head. "And up here, too."
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"Home, that would have been fine. At home, I wouldn't have argued against it, even if your right called for you to cull me. But this isn't home. Our rules don't work here. Nothing works here." He put his chin down against his knees, staring vaguely at the carpet until his line of sight was interrupted by the massive fluff of his cat jingling her way into the middle of things. He reached out to let her sniff his fingers, then scratched between her ears. "You might not like how things work here, but we have to make do. I don't like it much more than you do but at least here I have a life. And so do you. Or at least so does he. But your purpose in life isn't exactly something that's feasible here."
Looking back at Gamzee, Tavros offered him a soft, sad smile. "Maybe you can find a better purpose though? I know you could if you tried. Especially if you tried. You've got all the willpower in the world."
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"Ain't no purpose that I got other than to be the protector and enforcer. Take down the instigators. Cull that what motherfuckin' disobeys. I got my motherfuckin' understand on about the purpose, and I must hold to it. And it's a bunch of bullshit that they all be wantin' to have us play by the rules of them, when they go on and treat us like we ain't them in the first place. Nah, bro. Chain us by their rules, enforce them rules harder 'cause we different, treat us like others anyhow? Nah man. I ain't playin' that game. They treat us as equals, give us equal motherfuckin' lenience in the game plan for what we is and what all we used to, and then maybe I'll think about givin' them the respect of playin' it their way." He stopped himself from curling his fingers into a fist and releasing it as he spoke and put his hands together, lacing his fingers to keep himself from feeling the needs of his clubs in them.
"Bro, I love you, but you been takin' up this human shit way too hard. You ain't human. You ain't on their turf. This shit is for all us refugees. Ain't their turf, it's ours too. And bendin' to the motherfuckers is gonna only get us stomped down."
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Tavros stood, picking up Tink to use as a comfort object to try and even out his voice, which had started to rise in pitch and quake the longer he spoke. He pressed his nose against the top of her head when she squeaked at him, starting to pace slowly. "You're living on rules that aren't exactly viable here, Gamzee. By your logic, I'm letting myself be a slave to them and their laws. The them that you hate so much, they're not the ones that made the rules that we live under. If they were, I wouldn't be alive and you wouldn't be around to help me. You probably would be around at all. You and Equius both, you would have been locked away and never released because you would be deemed insane and he'd be a terrorist and nobody would listen to anyone lobbying for you."
"I'm not saying that you owe me anything," he continued, standing on the other side of the room and looking back at Gamzee. "You did so much by yourself. You have a life here, under the rules that allow us to actually coexist, in spite of that culling urge, that whisper in your blood that makes you want to enforce laws that aren't even a thing here. You can't take down anyone. It's not your responsibility. Not anymore."
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"Yeah, thanks for reminding me that I'm not going to be around long enough to see what becomes of this world. It's not like that thought has occurred to me every time I consider the difference in our blood. I really needed that realization that I'm going to grow up and...and the world will just go on without me whether I like it or not and that I won't be able to make sure that things are going to be ok for you, or anyone else. That I won't be there to make sure that if anyone did decide you didn't deserve to have your life, that nothing happened to you, because just like home this place can have some hateful fucking people. Just like everywhere else in the universe. Just like home, no matter how different it is. And your being so fucking vocal about how stupid all of this is doesn't exactly do anything, and going out and acting like you're the one that's supposed to be policing this place is going to accomplish even less. But it's not like that will matter to me, right? Because I won't be here to see it when you're old and long in the teeth.
"Before this place is solid, we will have a system in place that will make sure that those of us that will be living in it for a while, and the ones that will come after, will be ok. Don't start a civil war here or there really will be nothing left for anyone else except ruins and rulers that don't know what to do with anyone. You're thinking like the Condescension and you're not even a tyrian."
Tavros pressed his lips together tightly, glaring back at Gamzee for all of two seconds before letting Tink go and heading back toward his bedroom instead, hoping to sit down in the dark and quiet for a while to stop his ears from ringing.
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